ConsciouS Eating

My Journey Through Grief by Carol Asada, Ph.D.

Well, the anniversary is just two months away and I can already feel it in my heart. It's an overwhelming hurt and sadness that I have had to confront every holiday for almost a year. On November 14, 1997 my mother died very peacefully in her sleep. I was so happy for my mom because this is exactly how she wanted to leave this earth. No tearful "good-byes" or " I love yous" , no fuss, no bother, no pain, just a quiet release of life into heaven where I know I will see her again someday. Just the same, her death was a shock to me and everyone else.
Some of what happened in the days following her death is just a blur. What stands out in my memory was all the love and support my sister and I received from our family and friends. The funeral was beautiful. Mom would have loved it. My husband's eulogy touched so many hearts. I don't know how he did it on top of everything he did for me. He was able to stand before all those people and talk about my mother's life with compassion, tenderness and humor. He is truly an amazing person.
My loss was compounded by the fact that my father died in 1992. So now I am an orphan. It is a strange feeling to be without parents because all my life they were always there. My husband says that I still have my parents they are "just in heaven". That's true, but still I can't say "I talked to Mom today" or "Dad came by to visit". Their deaths have also changed my role as their daughter. Of course, I will always be their daughter and I hold that close to my heart. It is hard to describe exactly what is different. I guess part of it is not being able to do anything for them or vice versa. The vice-versa is my greatest sorrow.

My dad was a constant source of the message "You are my daughter and I believe in you!" He gave me the strength and courage to be me and to take risks. My mom's message was "You are my child and I will take care of you." She worried about me and thought about me and that made me feel important and protected. Nobody messed with my mom!! She also had her special way of encouraging me to fight for what I believe or want.

One of the last battles I had with her was over my belief that you could lose weight by eating what you want when physically hungry and then stopping when full or satisfied. It was a concept that was hard for her to grasp but without a word to me, she tried it. She didn't have my dad to cook for, so for the first time in her life she could eat whatever she wanted and she did. She cooked all the things she loved and ate whenever her body was physically hungry and stopped when she had enough. It was strange to hear her say "I haven't eaten yet because I wasn't hungry." "I can't eat anymore, I'm full". "I really enjoyed my meal". She started shopping differently too. Her refrigerator and pantry had foods that she loved. Well, it wasn't long and she started to lose weight. We never talked about it again. I remember seeing her at our first book signing a week before she died. I couldn't believe my eyes, she nodded "yes" and smiled when I explained our method of losing weight. She understood what I was talking about, that meant the world to me.
I still can't believe that she is not here. With every passing day the hope that she will be coming back is dimming. Now the reality that she is really gone is hitting me square in the face. Her pictures are comforting because they bring back a lot of good memories. It feels good to remember her life. But then it's the end of the day and I'm driving home. I automatically think of calling her because ever since my dad died I talked to her every day. I can't call anymore. I won't ever hear her voice again. Many people have told me that my parents are alive within me. It makes sense but I can't find them and that makes me miss them even more.

Eating consciously has been a challenge this year. That may sound kind of funny coming from one of the DIETLESS co-founders and co-author of a book: CONSCIOUS EATING!, I must admit I was a little disappointed in myself. But saying the affirmation " I am kind and gentle to myself" opened my awareness to a fact that I mysteriously forgot: Conscious eating is a process, a journey, not a destination. When Mom died I started another process called grief. When I first learned of her death I went into shock. For many weeks I would have these moments of unbearable feelings then they would stop and I would be left feeling numb. I experienced this cycle of feelings over and over especially before each holiday or special occasion. I knew that feeling numb was an important part of grieving because it allows you the space to deal with things little by little. But what I finally came to realize is that this feeling also made me numb to my body. Unconsciously eating chocolate and ice cream was soothing and comforting but it also pushed my pain down further and further into my body.

Eventually, I was left with less pain and more numbness. So what's the problem you ask? Who wants to feel that pain anyway, it's so big and scary. Emotionally I felt like I couldn't do anything else but intellectually I knew I was in trouble, so I started reading a book by Sue Patton Thoele called The Woman's Book of Confidence : Meditations for Trusting and Accepting Ourselves. Eating unconsciously helped to close the door to my heart.. After reading this book, the door opened ever so slightly and I began to see that I needed to trust in the process of grief. I had to keep telling myself "It will be ok. I will be ok. I am safe." The focus on these thoughts brought me to a decision to heal and to live my life which meant I needed to eat for my body and feel my feelings.

Going through this process of grief, I have learned other ways of coping with unbearable feelings - breathing slowly and deeply, visualizing safe places, saying affirmations. But most importantly I learned that I needed to reach out to others for help and support. This is still very hard for me to do but external support from loving people in my life is a vital component to my healing and my overall sense of peace and well-being.

I also learned that having a tender and accepting attitude toward myself while feeling my feelings provides me with an inner comfort and puts me in touch with those parts of me that I didn't know existed. I have found my mom and my dad, they are living inside me, always. "I believe in me" "I am safe" "I am valuable" "I have the courage to grieve" "I am proud of me" "I am smiling at me"

Print Send to a Friend Return to top of page